


hold me while we wait for the world to end

by immortalcockroach (juggyjones)



Series: in this universe, we're fighters [9]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 6x13, Angst, Canon Callback, Canon Compliant, F/M, Flashbacks, Hopeful Ending, Introspective Bellamy, Missing Scene, One Shot, Stream of Consciousness, season 6 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23219101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juggyjones/pseuds/immortalcockroach
Summary: What do they have if not faith?If not hope?His chuckle echoes the empty clearing, and he feels like the tree again. Do happy moments exist if no one is there to witness them?Centuries ago, he thinks, it was Clarke who voiced these doubts. They were in Arkadia, in what was left of the Ark, and it was the two of them deciding the fate of humanity. They didn’t know how important it would be, the wars it would cause, not at the time. They were preparing for the end, but aren't they always?---or, after securing sanctum, bellamy tries to find hope again.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Series: in this universe, we're fighters [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1111857
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	hold me while we wait for the world to end

**Author's Note:**

> title adapted from _hold me while you wait_ by lewis capaldi.
> 
> chronologically, this occurs right after the bellarke hug in 6x13, so before the whole thing with the anomaly. there's not much plot to this, or any plot, really, but it's more of an exploration of bellamy's thoughts and feelings. i really missed writing those types of fics.

_Let’s go_ , Bellamy thinks _, just you and me_.

He watches Clarke walk away from him and he doesn’t know if they will ever be able to get the peace they want. They keep defeating and they keep being defeated and their lives are a never-ending struggle, prolonged for centuries.

He doesn’t say anything because it’s not his place to. He, more than most, should focus on mending his relationships with his sister and his girlfriend and his friends, but there’s only one thought in his head, and he _can’t_.

Clarke needs to help Madi recover, they need to see what’s happening with Jordan, he needs to find out what he can about the Anomaly, they need to set up a whole civilisation, yet all he wants to do is just…leave.

Together.

He doesn’t say anything when she’s out of sight. His heart aches and it’s heavy, and seeing everyone be happy they’re safe _hurts_. Once upon a time, he thought that they could be safe; that they’d only have one problem and once it’s solved, they’re free.

Freedom costs and the price keeps rising.

‘You good?’ he hears Raven’s voice from behind him.

All he gives is a nod. They chat for a bit, but Bellamy’s head isn’t in it. Raven is okay, they’re all okay, yet he can’t shake the feeling in the depths of his stomach.

They’re okay, but are they safe? Is this the end of the line? Does such a thing even exist?

‘Sorry,’ he mutters, ‘I need to go somewhere.’

Before Raven can stop him, he leaves, and doesn’t look back. He doesn’t know if anyone but her notices, and he doesn’t care, either. His lungs are crashing in on him and the forest outside of Sanctum seems like the only place where he’ll be able to breathe. It’s like the Earth, almost, and it almost lets him believe nothing has changed since they first landed.

He’s alone, with his gun, twenty-three again, and his only enemy is the Grounders.

That was a simpler time.

Leaves rustle beneath his feet, the wind hovers above him, and the sun begins to settle. Bellamy doesn’t slow his pace. His mind is a labyrinth going in circles, and he doesn’t know how that would even make sense. Nothing feels important. Nothing feels real.

Bellamy might as well not exist.

He stops when the moon is high and he stumbles into a clearing, far from where he entered the forest. It’s illuminated in soft silver, and it reminds him of the radioactive forests back on his home planet. Almost hazed, it’s a dreamy painting of what _home_ is for him. The trees are green and brown and glistening in a silver hue; the air between his fingers moves with tiny nibbles at his finger – he hasn’t felt the cold in years.

Not far from where he’s standing, a tree has fallen. He thinks of a riddle from before the Earth went up in flames the first time, and he chuckles, almost.

_If a tree falls in the forest, and there’s nobody around to hear, does it make a sound?_

Bellamy walks over to the fallen tree. It’s bigger than it looked from the distance, similar to what they’d call an oak tree in Earth Skills. There’s some dirt on it and he wipes it off, wondering how long it’s been like this. When he sits down, it’s cold, but it’s firm, and Bellamy feels like this is just what he’s been looking for.

The human race has always been asking questions that have no certain answers. The fallen tree riddle is one of them, but so is the question of justice, and blame, and guilt, and anything abstract that the human mind cannot fully agree on or explain.

Bellamy, with his hands in his lap, fingers stiff and the cold nibbling at his cheeks, cannot explain himself. He doesn’t know why he loves Echo but the thought of Clarke dying is more than he can bear, or why the embrace with Clarke gives him more comfort than sleeping with Echo ever could.

He doesn’t know why, when things get difficult, all he wants is to leave. With Clarke.

_We’d be good together_.

It’s not the first time he thinks this. The thought crossed his mind before they were even allies, when things were becoming overwhelming, and he didn’t know if he could lead their group in a war against the Grounders. He didn’t know if he could let her go when she left them once they thought they'd won, he wanted her to stay by his side and he wanted her to…he wanted _her_.

Him and her against the world, they’d always win.

Bellamy buries his head in his hands. It’s still difficult to breathe, to think about everything that’s happened in his life, and for a moment, he hates it. He wonders if he’d be like a tree, and for a moment, he wishes it, too.

People would mourn him. He can’t lie to himself – he’s good at leading them. He’s good at making them listen. He’s good at making peace, if things don’t get too complicated.

But for all this, he can’t work against Clarke. He can work against anyone else, but not her.

It’s almost like breathing, the two of them. When they’re together, sharing the burden, it feels manageable. On his own, it’s too much. It gets too much.

She makes it easier.

‘Ah, fuck.’

Bellamy wishes philosophy and questioning everything wasn’t a human trait. He wishes he could just take a moment to himself and breathe. The tree is comfortable as it is, the birds are chirping and the moon is still rising, and he allows himself for a moment, to be okay. To believe that things might end up being okay. That it’ll work itself out.

What do they have if not faith?

If not hope?

His chuckle echoes the empty clearing, and he feels like the tree again. Do happy moments exist if no one is there to witness them?

Centuries ago, he thinks, it was Clarke who voiced these doubts. They were in Arkadia, in what was left of the Ark, and it was the two of them deciding the fate of humanity. They didn’t know how important it would be, the wars it would cause, not at the time. They were preparing for the end, but aren't they always?

_‘You still have hope?’_ Clarke asked him all those years ago.

He remembers looking into her eyes and thinking the same thing – he remembers feeling the overwhelming desire to run away with her, to pretend none of this is happening.

_Hold me while we wait for the world to end_ , he thought, and he almost said it.

But he looked into her eyes, and he knew it wasn’t a possibility. So he put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed, lightly, and hoped his eyes are saying enough. Maybe, she’d know how he feels if he makes it clear on his face, even without saying it. Maybe their connection would be enough.

Maybe she feels the same.

 _‘We’re still breathing,’_ he replied.

They could never do it. They had to stay because the world was about more than just them, but sometimes, he wished it wasn’t. He wished they could be just like anyone else.

But someone had to take responsibility. And it was this responsibility that made sure they can never _just leave, together_.

It’s not easy, Bellamy thinks, to accept your fate. To accept that there will always be something to fight over, or for; someone to try to take what you want. What they can do is appreciate the few moments they’re granted in this universe, in this life, and make what’s best of it.

Even if it means never doing what his instincts are telling him, because there are more people important than just him.

Leaving with Clarke isn’t his ideal scenario, despite the way his heart feels right now. It would insinuate something bad happening, and it would require them to give up on trying, and that’s not who they are.

Someday, maybe, they’ll live in a world where they don’t need to fight anymore. Where they don’t need to lead, or worry about others. Where they can be themselves.

Bellamy takes a deep breath; revels in it.

There is still hope.

**Author's Note:**

> if you want to request a fic, just send me an ask on tumblr ([bellarkesgodson](https://bellarkesgodson.tumblr.com/)). hopefully i'll get back into writing again!


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